I have an ex who, in the breaking-up phase of our relationship, confessed that he’d felt unmanned after seven years of sleeping with a woman who rolled over after sex to masturbate. He didn’t get that I’m just greedy (!)—to him, that was me saying “you’re no good in bed.” This was my first real awareness of insecurity and inadequacy and the effects feelings of less-than could have on a relationship—I didn’t even recognize my own past insecurities until this incident.
Back in my virginal days, the prospect of receiving oral sex did not leave me hot and bothered. At the time, I thought “gross.” Gradually, however, I realized it wasn’t the experience that turned me off so much as the fear. The idea that somebody would be down there with a front row view of that gave me the shivers…and not the good kind.
Thank goodness I got over that and moved on to a, er, varied sex life as an adult.
My characters haven’t managed to escape the sexual insecurity, even though I’ve worked through (most) of mine. Cora, the main character of my Dragon Queen books, worries about sagging breasts, thighs, tummy—all the places an imperfect woman might find worthy of personal fixation. Sophie’s pregnant belly makes her self-conscious. Amy, of “Unwrapping Amy,” feels less than worthy of her husband of many years and her feelings of unworthiness begin to manifest in bed, to the point she craves the freedom brought on by a power exchange.
A scene in my most recent release, “All the Trees in Pearl,” just would not end as I was writing it. Ethan couldn’t get Margaret to orgasm. She’d come close and start talking. She’d tense up and push his hands away. He couldn’t figure out why and neither could I until recently. I knew she was insecure about something, but couldn’t figure out what—and then it hit me: she was embarrassed by her “O” face. It didn’t matter that he obviously wanted her; her insecurity took over and kept her from enjoying the full experience.
She got over it, though. Ethan continued to want her even after she climaxed. Amy realized that her husband still wanted her despite her feelings of failure. Sophie’s man found her pregnancy indescribably sexy. Cora’s lover kept coming back for her despite her efforts to push him away. Gradually, their insecurities faded under the warm care of men who wouldn’t take any form of “I’m scared” for an answer…
…and who didn’t object to being blindfolded so a girl could keep a few intimate details to herself.
Ever since I realized one of my favorite sexual themes to write about is sexual insecurity, I’ve found myself searching for the sexual weak point in books I read. They’re more interesting to me than the relationship “black moment” because they’re intimate on a raw, stripped-naked level and can’t be covered up for long. They make a story honest for me.
What makes a story honest for you?
Emily Ryan-Davis
Visit me at http://www.emilyryandavis.com
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At the end of the week, one lucky commentor will receive a copy of Emily’s new release, All The Trees In Pearl, so…comment away! You don’t want to miss a chance at this one!
MJ
Ally
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Emily, for writing sexually real characters.
Most of the books I read have a strong sexual base and more and more lately I’m coming across sex scenes that simply do not match the couple going at it. Usually it’s the heroine, who is normally shy and self-conscious, turning into a hanging-from-the-ceiling sex kitten during her first encounter with the hero, who’se already screwed every other woman in her car pool. Come on now. The heroine’s not going to miraculously transform into a super-confident vixen. She’s going to be nervous and apprehensive and you know darn well she’s wondering how she’ll measure up to those who came (pun completely intended) before her.
I’ve fallen into this trap myself as a writer. In fact, it wasn’t all that long ago I was working on a steamy scene that just wasn’t coming together for me. MJ pointed out that it was probably because my heroine wouldn’t really act the way I was trying to make her. And she was exactly right. Long and short of it all is, if you’re true to your characters, they’ll be true to you and give a wonderful story.
From a reader’s point of view can I say Thank You for the candid nature of your comments. It is refreshing to know that the heroinne I am going to read about is as insecure as the rest of us females. Especially with the added stress most of us live with of trying to compete with the imagined female perfection we think our fellas want.
Em, you make some very valid points. In our desire to make a sex scene into something that leaves the reader fanning themselves and thinking of a cold shower, we forget that one of the reasons they get wrapped up in our stories is beccause they can relate to the characters in them. They want to continue to relate to the characters in the bedroom as well as out of the bedroom. It is important that we remember to keep our characters real in all aspects of the story. I know I will strive to keep this in mind the next time I have a sex scene in need of making its way to paper. Believable characters, ones that I can relate to on even the most basic level, helps make the story.
What makes a story real to me is the same thing that makes a character come alive, the flaws.
JR Wards brotherhood series is one of my all time favorite because all her characters have major flaws and insecurities. Their personal struggles to get past them is what really makes the books interesting..of course sexy vamps might have something to do with it too.
I think a story seems honest to me when I can relate to at least something about the characters - i.e. when things aren’t perfect and beautiful all the time. I hate when erotica/romance stories imply that just because a guy gets up close, the woman is automatically going to go crazy with orgasms. It just doesn’t work that way. Stories that include more details on what has to happen to get her off, and a male character who is sensitive and wants to figure it out, really work for me!
Ally, I’m with you - invariably as soon as a WIP stops working for me, it’s right after a sex scene that wasn’t conducted properly. The characters were off somehow, I didn’t know them well enough, something - conversely, it’s usually not til the first sex scene that I know a WIP is going to WORK.
Books I’m reading get me the same way. I’ve found myself skimming through to the first sex scene lately, before I’ll even start reading a book, to make sure there’s something in that encounter that will make reading the first 100 pages worth it.
Ilona, you’re welcome! Thank YOU for commenting and giving your reader feedback.
I’m not crazy about perfect or nice or any of those “bland” traits in heroines. I want a heroine who will do what she needs to do in order to get by, the same way Margaret doesn’t care which man she ends up with as long as she ends up with one who will provide the security she needs. It’s a REAL thing, a real need, and she pursues her need without conniving or fortune-hunting or anything like that - just with need in mind. I’d be lying if I said one of the things that made my husband attractive in a “husband material” way was his work ethic. He proved himself willing and able to meet my needs (not just the sexual ones) and willing/able/interested in working with my flaws as well.
Everything I’ve seen of your characters points to “interesting and believable,” MJ.
I’m sure they’re just as real in bed, too!
I like the flaws aspect of the Black Dagger Brotherhood too, Kelsey…but we won’t talk about the things I don’t like LOL.
I absolutely loved DARK LOVER - I ignored the entire family on Thanksgiving Day because I started reading it that morning and couldn’t put it down.
Kathleen, I believe the imperfect and the ugly are what draw people to one another in “raw” situations. Erotic scenes are as much about seeking shelter as seeking sexual release and in order for a person to be an adequate source of shelter, the person needs to have an acceptance and recognition of ugliness and imperfection - and an interest in raising it up to something beautiful.
Great topic hon. A book feel real to me when I find myself caring about the characters.I feel their pain and happiness Laugh at their sillyness. When characters have insecurities that also makes them real. I don’t want to read about Ms or Mr. Perfect. I want someone I can relate to on some level. That is what makes a book real, honest for me.
I really like the sound of your books. I think having your characters work through their problems is good and make books more interesting.
Stories come alive to me when I can relate to something they are going through. They may either be going through a problem I have been in or their feelings towards something (lovers, breakups) somehow seem to echo mine. Now, having said that I have to say that I enjoy reading erotica and hot novels but I sometimes find that I am trying to convince myself to take the book with a pinch of salt as some of the sex written is so out there, enjoyable but out there.
The stories that really speak to me though are those which I find myself sympathizing with the character and relating to one way or the other. These are my “keepers”
What makes a story honest to me? Well more truer to life sex is a big one. When reading a comtemporary I want real cities, and realistic places, of course it is up to the author to set the scene well. I do not need to relate to them as long as I can “see” everything.
Great Blog!